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This Comedian Likes To Have A Little Fun When Telemarketers Call
December 9, 2014
Comments in parenthesis are said off to the side, but also said loud enough that the telemarketer can clearly hear them. Read the transcript below, or skip ahead to the video to listen to the real thing.
Tom Mabe: Hello?
Telemarketer: Yes, Can I speak with Tom Mabe?
Tom: Who’s calling?
Tele: This is Mike. You have been selected to receive a complete digital satellite system for free. With this you’re going to-
Tom: Let me ask you something. Did you know Tom Mabe? Were you a friend of his?
Tele: No, I’m not. I’m just calling to offer-
Tom: Hold that thought, hold on a second (Hey guys, get really good pictures of the body, and dust everything down for prints.) Mike, you there?
Tom: Yeah, let me bring you up to speed. You’ve actually called a murder scene. Mr. Mabe is no longer with us. I’m Officer Clarke. I’m conducting a homicide investigations. I want to ask you a series of questions. First of all – what was the nature of the business you had with Tom Mabe?
Tele: I…I had no business with him. I’m sorry to have bothered-
Tom: No, hang on. I’m going to ask you to stay on the phone, this call has already been traced and we may need you to come in for further questioning.
Tele: You don’t understand. I’m just calling –
Tom: No, you don’t’ understand, unless you want to be charges with obstruction of justice, it is imperative that you keep your ass on the phone, Mike.
Tele: How about you just talk with my supervisor?
Tom: No, we will get to your supervisor in a second. First, give me your where-abouts.
Tele: I am at work.
Tom: You’re at work?
Tom: You being a smart ass?
Tele: No sir.
Tom: Let me put it to you this way, Mike. Say I wanted to mail your a** a letter. What would I have to write on the outside of the envelope to ensure that the mailman would deliver it right to your a**? Geographically speaking Mike, where is work?
Tele: 40 West Littleton, Colorado
Tom: Now hold on that’s –
Tele: Yes sir.
Tom: Hold on one second alright. (Get the Littleton Police Department, Homicide Division on the phone, give them this information. Tell them that he is being sought in connection with a fatal shooting and aggravated robbery.) How do you know Mr. Mabe again?
Tele: Wait. You are calling the Littleton Police Department? I’m hundreds of miles away. I don’t even know the guy. I’m in Colorado.
Tom: No, don’t let that scare you, it is just a formality. Have you ever been to his place of residence?
Tom: And tell me again, where were you last night between the hours of 8 and 10?
Tele: I’m not feeling real comfortable by any of this.
Tom: Have you even ever spoke with Mr. Mabe, Mike?
Tele: No, I haven’t. I don’t even know the guy. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.
Tom: Ok, great. Just calm down, hold on. Look, just back up. I’ve just got one more question for you, Mike. As you well know, I’m sure, Mr. Mabe was a flaming homosexual. And there is no easy way of asking this, I don’t want to embarrass you or nothing, but were you his gay lover?
Tele: What? No! What the hell kind of question is that?
Tom: Look, look. If gay is your way, that is OK. I still know there are a lot of you gay people in that closet. Not saying I haven’t thought about it myself, you know? Hop over to Las Vegas or something, buy a couple of drinks, cute little Mexican midget.
Tele: This is ridiculous. [click]